Not writing.

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so for two weeks, I haven’t written, one in part because girlie was home and gave me time to breathe (and she downloaded Candy Crush on my new Iphone, so I’m a little obsessed) and two, because thinking about our life has turned into a whole different drama and I’ve been given so much information and advice, I am still trying to piece together a good plan.

My husband and I now have two new counselors (a psychiatrist and a social worker) on our team with the recommendation for at least one more, but possibly two so that everyone has a say and support. We also have a CPS agent and a youth detective added in with a potential advocate and judge throwing information at us.  PTSD is a hard disease, harder still when you are a fourteen year old boy who makse a series of bad choices which then creates more drama and hardship.  It is hard on the child who has it and hard on the family who is trying to support it. The problem with having a team to help us work on the issues surrounding my grandchildren, is that we have heard several dissenting positions.

One counselor says, do not abandon the child, do not cast him out, he already has abandonment issues and trust issues, he needs to know unconditional love. You can work through this and let him have the stability he needs.

The other counselor says, lets find him a different placement for the good of the family, for the safety of all, he needs more than you can give.

We have siblings who want to love him, but can’t understand why he would want to hurt them. We have extended family who thinks we are the saviors for the children and tell us to have faith and to ask God for more help.   Then there’s the media with news stories on people who just one day snap and create horror and carnage in the blink of an eye.   We wonder and pray, which is true for this child?    We still aren’t sure if he has the capacity for empathy, or if he is just so unable to handle emotions he stopped having them.   This boy who  is unfailingly polite and willing to do any chore I ask is hard to understand. . .. is he so helpful/polite  because he wants to please and be accepted, or because he is a chameleon and just plays a game so that he can get by in life?

Knowing which path to take is hard. There are pitfalls and angst facing us on every path.  I feel as if we have to hurry and make a decision, just to get through the heart ache, but if we rush our decision, we may regret it later.   So, we are taking a nice week long spring break with family and friends while the grandkids go to visit their respective dads through the Easter Holiday.   The psychiatrist told us she would need a couple of weeks to gather the necessary resources and time for a full evaluation and we get a very much needed breather from the drama which has ensnared us.

In May he will start a group for adolescents with rage issues.. and this too is controversial.  Will he get new ideas from the kids in the group? These will be children I probably would do everything in my power to keep him away from, but now, he is being grouped with them. He IS one of them.  Will this label send him to a new place in his own heart? A badge of honor he feels he needs to live up to, or will it be a cross to bear for his life? Will he face the world as a victim, a bully, or a hero?

This boy, this broken, little boy, who towers over me and needs to be loved unconditionally has broken my heart.  He has shaken my belief in my own ability to trust the goodness in children.  This boy, who looks more like a man every day still has so much growing and maturing to do and we have to decide if we can help him grow into a good and honest member of our family or if we send him to others to try to lead him out of the dark place he has created in his heart.

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