Winter has had a hold on us, a choking, life-taking hold on our hearts. It’s been so hard, if we were cave people, we would be trying to figure out what we had done to anger Mother Nature and maybe sacrificed a small animal or a sweet virgin to bring her back. (If we get the snow they are calling for next week, the dogs may be in danger) Nevertheless, last week we felt one warmish day and spring tried to peek in. AND THEN IT SNOWED AGAIN..
If spring is a time of renewal, of growth and of warming hearts, winter is the exact opposite. It is hardship and darkness and strife. Everyone I know has gone crazy. Willing to brave spring sports practice in freezing temperatures and wind, because we HAVE to be done with winter. The gray dismal days and the unending cold is not common to our area. We usually have some bright spring days with warm weather to ease our winter hearts. We can weather the few days of cold because we get small bits of spring to bring us hope.
This past month, we have been through some turbulent times and high stress. We now have a whole new side of PTSD and ADHD to learn about. A side that is dark and scary, a side that took the breath from me. For at least a week afterward, I had to remind myself to breathe in and out. In the grand scheme of things, we are fortunate, I know that, we caught the behaviors before they changed the dynamic of the family. We are all healthy, our roof is intact and with the exception of one very grounded teenager, our life is moving forward.
That is until the icy breeze of reality blows back in. There is a constant feeling of dread in our house right now, an ache we can’t quite ease and a feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop. The children are ready to move past this. We have discovered the problem, leveled out the punishment and are in the process of getting everyone the help they need.
The joy of putting things out there for all to read is that we also hear from friends who have similar issues. They have kids who lie about homework and misplace everything and eat more food than seems to be humanly possible. We have heard from friends who were mistreated by brothers/sisters in early years and turned out ok. Some even were able to work past the hurt and become friends. We are meeting fun new people at lots of different agencies that we thought we were done with. Chock full of good old fashioned Catholic guilt, I have been beating myself up over what I could have done or seen that would have given me a clue about the oldest grandson’s manipulation and deceit. Its very fortunate for me that I have a wonderful new counselor who helped me understand that even if he had been in counseling, he may still have acted out. It’s the nature of PTSD. Teenage hormones and self doubt rage in with memories of lifelong trauma and BAM we have a situation.
The darkness of his acts have pierced my heart, but he is still a boy. I worry about what drove him to bully the younger kids so cruelly, and then I worry about what he may choose to do next. but he is still a boy. He still needs to be loved and taught and shaped. He needs to know that his mother may have abandoned him, but we never will. We howl at the winds and shake our fists at the snow, but after it is over the gentle winds come. Perhaps with time, the sun will shine and our family will be whole again. I will weather the storm, because I know that God is stronger and the sun will come out again. We will laugh, we will love and we will go forward, someday.